el crispito

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August 24, 2009

The Importance of Small Talk

I had forgotten how crucial small talk is to daily life in Guadalajara.

It is common in southern Illinois, of course, but it is not required. A standard, "Good afternoon. How are you?" will suffice to maintain the image that you are civil, and any further discussion of things such as the others hairstyle, their children, or that perrenial favorite, the weather, is purely optional, although many do indulge regularly.

In Guadalajara, small talk is mandatory, unless you want people to think you are arrogant, angry or just an outright ass. After living here for about a year, we found out that our neighbors thought that I was always mad because I did not engage in conversation with them to a greater extent. All I would do when we would meet in the hallway was to say "good afternoon" (or morning, or night, depending), ask how they were doing, answer back how I was doing, and close with a comment appropriately based on their divulged status. It might not actually be in that exact order, but our exchanges always contained those basic elements.

For example:

Me: ¡Buenas tardes!

Neighbor: ¡Buenas tardes!

Me: Y ¿cómo estas?

Neighbor: Bien, bien. ¿Y tú?

Me: ¡Qué bueno! ¿Yo? Bien, bien. Gracias. ¡Hasta luego!

There you have it. The rant of an angry man.

Not knowing our neighbors all that well at first, I did not have very much about which I could speak to them back then. Also, I was new to being in Mexico, did not yet have a complete picture of reality here, and had very little applied Spanish-speaking experience. Perhaps most importantly, I had come from the United States, where a polite wave and silent nod to your neighbor is sufficient. Little did I know, that such a brief exchange here in Mexico suggests that one is a child-molesting axe murderer, or some other social equivalent.

After a while, I came to be much more vocal with our neighbors, as it became obvious that they did not dislike us for being gay, gringo and gorgeous. Spending time with them discussing things at the apartment building parties gave me plenty of material I could use for small talk - how Carlos' bronchitis was doing, the progress of young Jorge's artistic pursuits, what was Marta baking next - it was all great stuff for stretching out those interactions in the hallway. I began to use those opportunities to delve a bit deeper and find out a little more about people, which in turn allowed me even better mastery of such chit-chat. Eventually, I came to realize that pleasant banter is one of the best things about life in Mexico.

I repeat again something that our friends Larry and Joseph pointed out to us, and that is, Mexico is about 50 behind the United States in a number of things. To avoid offending my Mexican friends and the few that watch this space, I should point out that they specifically meant "behind" in a chronological context. In some senses, this socio-temporal positioning makes life seem more advanced and civilized than in more developed countries. Mexico seems much more like the United States when common goals brought people together than it does now that political and social issues are polarizing them.

In Mexico, there is a comity that permeates the entire culture, elevates everyone to a certain level of dignity, and helps society stick together through misery and misfortune. Mexico seems like the United States of old, before competition turned from friendly to fierce, when compassion was not considered a weakness. People err on the side of kindness here and are much less paranoid about everyone else being out to harm or exploit them. A stranger next to you in line at the bank will start talking to you without hesitation. Adults can converse with someone elses children in a public setting without everyone suspecting nefarious ulterior motives. One can admire another's fashion without it being taken as making a pass.

Small talk is appropriate for public situations and dealing with strangers. It is manditory for those developing relations in Mexico, in personal life as well as business. Most initial "getting to know you" business meetings take place not in an office, but within some other social context like breakfast or lunch. At such meetings, the great majority of the conversation might be small talk, with the business motives for getting together hardly being adressed initially. To succeed in business in Mexico, one must not be in a rush. It will be counterproductive. Just take your time, relax, and enjoy the simple pleasure of friendly, polite conversation. You will be back to the hustle and bustle of business soon enough.

I have come to really look forward to small talk with my neighbors now. It is interesting to know what everyone is up to and what is going on in our neighborhood. When beginning to work on my interactions with our neighbors, I have to admit that I had to do a little mental prepartion each time, recalling the names of relatives, friends and pets to whom I had been introduced, coming up with certain things to ask about, and making sure I knew the proper vocabulary for what I planned to talk about. Every time I was about to leave the apartment building, I would rehearse a description of what I was off to do, so that if I ran into someone and had to engage in small talk, I could eventually slide into a farewell and continue on my way. Now though, I can do it without too much extra effort.

Except for the fact that, having been gone for nearly eight months, I am a bit out of practice.

For more on this subject, see Mexperience's guide to business etiquette in Mexico and byki language learning's flash card application on conversation starters.

Posted by crispy at August 24, 2009 05:59 PM

Comments

Posted by: D. Blodgett at September 4, 2009 11:23 PM

Posted by: Don Blodgett at September 4, 2009 11:28 PM

Posted by: Mark Allen at September 13, 2009 12:23 PM

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