el crispito

My family and friends must have grown weary of hearing about nothing but my new infatuation, supposing it to be a fleeting whim. Nobody truly seemed to believe us when we told them that we were moving to Mexico permanently, or at least, leaving the United States for good. The ceaseless indoctrination one gets growing up as an American — that it is the best country in the world, that everyone else in the world ultimately would prefer to live there and that one has some God-given moral superiority by being lucky enough to have been born within its hallowed borders — develops an arrogance that does not readily admit any challenges. Yet scoffing doubt slowly gave way to dubious curiosity, and eventually that yielded to a hesitant acceptance.

"It sounds like you plan on being down there for some time then," people would write to us, despite our repeatedly stating upon our departure that we left with no plans to ever return.

To this day, there are no such plans. In fact, despite what many have suggested to be a change in the political landscape in the United States that would allow us to realize the deep-seated desire they claim we surely must have to return there, we are just as thankful to have detached and gotten away from there as we have always been. My year abroad only reinforced that feeling for me, even though I got to experience the new management. Many liberals ignored the tell-tale signs that President Obama would fail to pursue the implementation of the great changes implied by his rhetoric, and after so many dark years with no hope, it is understandable that they might get carried away on the intoxicating feeling that finally having a voice can bring. We were not among their number, possibly because as gays, a group that barely even gets lip service from the Democratic party, we know the pattern all too well. We did not expect much meaningful change from a new administration. It is the populace that needs reform. The bottom line is that the United States will have to undergo massive social upheaval before we consider any plans to return there willingly, and if what seems to be the current majority has its way, we will be gone forever.

Yet while our course has become, if anything, more determined, time has changed the situation, putting the relevance of this blog to readers in either country in question. For a while, that young infatuation with Mexico, felt through the heart of a defecting estadounidense, might have held some interest for others in the United States as a voyage of discovery through new territory. Some Mexicans told me that they enjoyed reading my blog because it let them see their country through the childlike eyes of an immigrant. However, I can no longer claim such a perspective. My jejune love for Guadalajara has grown into seasoned, intricate relationship. I still am charmed by her beauty and warmth, but a much more intimate knowledge informs our discourse, illuminates our way together and bonds us in a union that is at times harmonious and at others discordant. Pure observation and interpretation does not hold much interest for me anymore.

So what now for the blog in this new era? I am not yet sure. Maybe I will find that I am only capable of generating the same kind of material as you are used to here, but I think I need a change. I may need to throw off the limitation of having all the entries be about Mexico, Guadalajara or being an expatriate. I may need to just sit down and write without such a specific focus and see how it goes. It would probably make the most sense to move that to a different blog and keep this on-topic, but as I said, I find that a lot of the Mexico/Guadalajara aspects have been internalized now, and I suspect they will come out regardless of what I write about. Maybe it will turn out that this is the end of an era.

Watch this space.